Tuesday, 29 October 2013

on being lost forever and ununderstandable.

So I keep forgetting to blog, or I don't feel like it. I use to love blogging and sharing my artwork and talking about what I do but it all just gets lost in my head now. remember livejournal?

I feel the link between me and the rest of the world growing bigger everyday.
I just don't fit in.
I know that sounds childish and sad but I feel this.
I don't find anything remotely appealing about where I am except for the old houses. and Kurt.
There is nothing to do here and if there is its just not quite right. like its a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of what it should be.
Except for the movies, the cinema feels familiar, semi stale popcorn, skittles and hubba bubba stuck to the brightly coloured carpet. and dust , it always smells a bit like dust. I want to watch more movies than I do.
I do try and connect with people but I don't find any common ground and the truth is I would rather be on my own but that means I'm stuck with all these ideas and fears no one can help me with.

I try and turn these ideas in to photos, try to collaborate with other creatives but they don't get it. I don't know why. I'm not very good at communicating I guess.
nothing translates, the model waits, confused and I wonder and try to explain.
ok now look at me, relax,cool ok umm, do nothing,no, look awkward, wait no turn around, sit like this, no no umm , okay maybe just relax, look at me, now over there, ok one more, wait one more ok now we are done! yay! thanks!

I keep taking photos but I loose confidence, I don't want to be a photographer any more.

but then I do, I have an idea and its magical and wondrous and dreamy but it rarely works out I keep taking photos but I loose confidence, I don't want to be a photographer any more.

but then I do.
because I can't stop. because its apart of me.

try not to get my hopes up. work on the smaller ideas first,(boring) build up to the bigger ones.(what I really want to do) but when will I get to the bigger ones?

so many questions, so little time.

I'm having some pretty sad days.it just happens. its ok.

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